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on 09-09-2002 23:54
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By Khadija Abdassalam
Yahya related to me from Malik that he heard that Luqman al-Hakim made his will and counselled his son, saying, "My son! Sit with the learned men and keep close to them. Allah gives life to the hearts with the light of wisdom as Allah gives life to the dead earth with the abundant rain of the sky." (Malik’s Muwatta)
The child sat calmly in her little red chair, oblivious to the chaos around her. This was life. Mom and Dad were always arguing with each other. It was just the natural way of things. Then it came again,… the silence; the deadly silence.
That was my life seven years ago, but since then I have grown up. The silence grew too loud for me, and for too long a period of time. While at the same time, the screams also grew louder but for shorter durations. Sometimes I felt the yelling was better because it meant that they were at least communicating. They would communicate enough to show that they cared for each other and that brought me some peace. I thought that communication in any form meant you cared even if it was a miniscule amount. But soon the peace vanished and so did I.
It was a tough struggle for me, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job. Sometimes I think I miss them, but then I remember that haunting silence and I know that I did what I had to do because without it I could never be whole. I left at the tender age of 16. And now at 23 I feel far more matured than my age. I guess that’s what a tough life can do to a somewhat sane person (if such a thing exists). Now I think it’s time that I treat myself to a college education. I’ve earned it, and I have my own baby to care for; she’s only three. She waddles with such innocence, it makes me smile. The only thing I regret is that her father isn’t here to share these precious moments. I guess his idea of precious moments if far beyond my limited comprehension of corruption. Sorry, I guess that was uncalled for although one could argue that it is much deserved.
Let me explain. A few months after I ran away (remember, I was only 16 and had no idea what I was doing), I met him. He was my everything, literally. I trusted him with my heart and soul - what a foolish girl I was! Surprisingly though, he never actually treated me badly. He was pretty good to me the first few years. For the most part at least. There were a few incidences that tried to cajole me into moving on and leaving him behind, but I just couldn’t. I owed him, and we both knew it. He kept a roof over my head and that was enough.
When I really think about it, we had some happy moments along with all the bad times; but he didn’t want to share the happiest time of our lives with me – the birth of our child. On occasion, I think I regret having not tried harder to make it work. I should have forgiven him for being so untrue, at least that way my baby would have a dad. It’s tough for me to fulfill both roles for my child, but at least she won’t have to feel the icy cold of our unfulfilling relationship. At least she won’t expect that being beaten by her “beloved” is okay, as my mother and I believed. At least she has the chance to learn what it means to be a full person.
Believe it or not, I always knew I deserved better from my life than what I let it give me. I knew I didn’t deserve the pain, all that pain – physical – emotional –psychological - you name it and I had it. I guess that’s why I decided that I should try to find out what it is that I really wanted out of life before I attempted to teach my child these fundamentals. At the age of 20, I realized that I had more maturity than my age, but no wisdom at all. This is the story of my search for wisdom.
I’m not really sure where I should begin. Perhaps I should start at my job at Digs Café. Digs, as the name might suggest, was one of the worst places I could ever imagine spending so much time in. It was a two-in-one café and bar with the atmosphere of a street corner. There were many prostitutes that came there, much to my despair. I had to tolerate it all though because it was the only place that would hire me, a high school dropout. I worked there for about two (or was three?) weeks before I was first introduced to the concept of wisdom.
It was a Tuesday, a typical workday, I had been on my feet serving customers for three hours straight. I made it my business not to get into other people’s business and that made me pretty unpopular among the staff, but the customers liked me. I think some of them liked me too much which always made me shudder. Anyways, yes, it was Tuesday and I finally had a chance to take a break. I sat down at a table in one corner of the café with a glass of juice – and then I noticed this woman. She stuck out like a sore thumb in that place, in any place I’m sure. It surprised me that I didn’t see her enter earlier. I wondered how long she had been sitting there by herself. I looked at her for a few moments, she caught my gaze and returned it with a smile. I quickly looked away. She was different. I’ve never been one to judge another by his/her clothes, so the fact that she wore a “veil” never really mattered to me. It was her expression that struck me as odd. She actually looked at peace and maybe even happy. Can you imagine that, someone happy? It was absurd! At that point, I decided not to like her. She was in the wrong part of town and would probably realize it as soon as someone mugged her. That day, I never looked her way except when I thought she might be looking at me; but every time I turned her way she was never looking. I found that she spent most of her time that day reading. Who would go to such a dump to read? That confirmed my suspicions, she really was confused.
Much to my surprise, I saw her at work for the next week straight. But I noticed that along with reading, she would also talk to many of the people that passed by her. It seemed that many people knew her and liked her. Mostly the girls would sit and chit chat with her, but even the guys that passed her would smile and wave. Now I wondered if I was too hasty in deciding to dislike her. I decided that I would just pretend she wasn’t there; but with my luck, my boss told me to serve her. I remember telling myself that I shouldn’t let her intimidate me, which is a real irony since I had already dismissed her as insignificant. My boss instructed me to take her a freshly squeezed fruit juice and to tell her that it was on the house. So I did exactly that. “Here ma’am, some freshly squeezed juice. It’s on the house.” She smiled and said, “Thank you. But I insist on paying.” She handed me the money. Then I said, “Lady, it’s free. It means you don’t pay for it.” She looked at me briefly and said, “Debts will always hold us back.” Don’t ask me what she meant because as soon as she said it, I thought she was loony; I took the money and carried on with my work. I must tell you though, her voice was quite a surprise. It was gentle, but had this discreet firmness. I always prided myself on being alert when it comes to “silent”, unspoken communication; this woman’s communication puzzled me. I expected that her social manner would be accompanied by a harder tone of voice, but I was wrong. I almost felt guilty for being rude, in fact I did.
That night I went home and thought about her. The strange, happy woman in a rundown bar called a café. I rocked my precious baby to sleep and thought about befriending the different woman or at least finding out why she spent her time making friends with all those messed up people when she could be doing something else. I wanted to know how everyone came to know her and why they liked her. I also thought that it would be good of me to apologize for my behaviour that day, on condition that I ended up liking her myself. The world is too tough to be apologetic too easily.
It was bright and early Tuesday morning and I eagerly awaited the lady’s entrance. It was too early, she would only come in the afternoon. Afternoon came around, but she wasn’t there. She never came that day and I went home disappointed. “Oh well”, I thought, “I’ll catch her tomorrow.” But she wasn’t there the next day, nor the day after, and never again while I worked at Digs. She disappeared.
There was something in me that really wanted to find out who she was and why she came to Digs Café. I started socializing with my co-workers and even some of the prostitutes that came in the café just to find out about her. They told me that, she was “a doll”. I learnt that her name is Naila and she had helped some of them when they were going through their roughest moments. Basically, they said that they loved her because she loved them. I still didn’t get it. Okay, so she was popular because she cared; she’s a philanthropist. But why would she read so much there if she came to greet her friends and why did she have that expression? “Debts will always hold us back”, she once said. But in such a case, how could it? The drink was free. I still wondered what she meant. This is when my hunt for wisdom intensified, but at that time, I didn’t know that it was about wisdom.
This woman had something that I didn’t have and I wanted it too. So I decided that my ignorance meant I should read more since that was what she did. Reading is a good way to learn, isn’t that what people always say? There I was, 20 years old and entering a library for what would seem like the first time in my life. It was scary. So scary that I left immediately. I didn’t know what books to get. I didn’t know what to read to find out what made Naila as she was. I was so close to falling into despair, but my past experiences would never let me. My experiences had taught me to never back down. So I went back to work with a new mission – to find out what to read.
During my “interviews” and increased socializing at work, I met a woman named Lilian. I liked her very much. She didn’t have many things straight in her life, but she was a sincere woman whom I felt comfortable talking to. She wasn’t too “rough around the edges” shall we say. I asked her first, hoping that this mission wouldn’t be a lengthy one. “Well dear, I’m not sure what she read. But you’re right, Naila read a lot.” Suffice to say, she wasn’t able to help me much; not directly at least. She mentioned that Naila was a good story teller and often related historical events and biographies of interesting people, whether they were well-known or not. This was where I began.
I have learnt to love the library. It’s like a new world, like many new worlds, all combined in one. It exploration is endless and wondrous. It is filled with love and sorrow, joy and pain, success and failure, adventure and best of all knowledge. I spent the next six months reading many biographies and people’s personal life lessons. This was not where wisdom lay, but these lives were filled with it.
When a wise man (or woman) is asked about his (or her) own wisdom, he (or she) is usually ignorant of it. It is not that wisdom requires knowledge necessarily, but rather it requires experience with a healthy dose of knowledge. Everyone gets experience, one might argue; but not everybody is blessed with wisdom. Why might this be?
I learnt that wisdom cannot be taught formally, but it can be learnt. It can be acquired, but it is a subtle process. My search for wisdom has not resulted in wisdom, but rather the recognition of it. Do you know what I’ve come to learn? I believe wisdom means the person understands life. Do you know how rare it is to find someone who understands life? Naila had a manual, a manual for life. She used that manual to help others who didn’t know how to use it, or what is was. I have yet to find her manual, but I believe it is there. It tells us, human life, what we need to know to survive. I firmly believe I have a creator, and creators always have manuals for their creations.
To be wise is to understand that each of us are miniscule, yet important beings. We have a role to play, but our role is never more significant nor more worthy of admiration than another’s. Arrogance has no place in a wise person’s mind and attitude.
So how can we recognize wise people? I think they are usually quieter because they think. You cannot possibly be wise and not think because thinking leads to understanding, understanding leads to reasoning and logic, and that is wisdom. Do not get me wrong though, I do not think that wisdom is something that happens by fluke or only with “proper” upbringing. It is definitely a blessing, but it is one that has to be appreciated in order to flourish.
I have much to learn and my daughter, too, has much to learn. Some things we will probably learn together, I hope, but now I have something to teach her. I know that I have to find our manual and that will be our answer book to life. If you already have that book, don’t dare take it for granted before you lose it without even realizing it.
On a final note, I think I know what Naila meant by “Debts will hold us back.” It wasn’t about the juice, it was about my boss’s hospitality. While she appreciated his generous gesture, she always knew that she would be indebted to his kindness. While I might not have done what she did, I can appreciate her wanting to pay for her drink. Mostly, I can appreciate that there is more value to things than just the surface value. It is all about thinking ten steps ahead just to move that one step forward.
A.L.R. These are the symbols (or Verses) of the perspicuous Book.
We have sent it down as an Arabic Qur’an, in order that ye may learn wisdom.
(Qur’an – 12:1-2)
Know ye (all) that Allah giveth life to the earth after its death! Already have We shown the Signs plainly to you, that ye may learn wisdom.
(Qur’an – 57:17)
Do they not travel through the land, so that their hearts (and minds) may thus learn wisdom and their ears may thus learn to hear? Truly it is not their eyes that are blind, but their hearts which are in their breasts.
(Qur’an – 22:46)
Last update : 09-09-2002 23:54
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