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Tears streamed down the face of my friend who sat with her face buried in her hands on the day of her marriage. I looked at her as she sobbed, unsure of what to do, and finally asked her, "Why are you crying?"
“Im just nervous," she replied, but I knew that she was holding something back.
Out of respect for her privacy, I reserved any additional questions I might have had about her situation.
However, the ladies around her, family and friends, would not leave her be.
They insisted on knowing.
I sensed that my friend just needed some space of her own.
This is the day that changed me.
Her tears triggered my own memories of an unhappy wedding day, my own
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My whole family rejoiced on a day which was supposed to be special for every woman-
my wedding day! The air fairly tingled with excitement and laughter was the tune for the day.
"You look gorgeous!" my cousin said.
I forced my lips to curve into a smile as I said, "Thanks."
My lips felt so much strain as they were forced to do something they didnt want –SMILE!
And this was a pain that I was obliged to grow accustomed to from that day forth, until I found the courage to assert my rights.
Indian culture did not allow my parents to seek my permission for marriage.
Custom dictates that the parents of both the groom and bride arrange the marriage, and the children agree without any say in the matter.
My heart was not inclined to the man I was married to from the first day of my marriage and I was not able to express my feelings for the fear of being alienated from my family and society.
I wanted to please my parents and the community and show them that I was happy, even if I wasnt. I didn’t want to be alienated from them and to add to that, I heard the people, making unpleasant remarks about women who says they are not happy with their husband nor interested in marrying a man their parents choose.
This is the South Indian culture:
If a woman is married to a man, and has a child from that marriage, she has to live with him no matter what.
“Are you trying to please your parents and the cultural society fearing that they would alienate you and speak ill of you if you told them that your marriage has not brought you any joy?
Oh come on! You are no better than a robot!" my heart cried.
My heart was right; I was almost a prisoner to society. I became a lifeless woman from the first day of my marriage like a robot only going through the motions of life. .
I managed to hold on to this joyless marriage for four years. During those four years of unhappy marriage, each time someone asked me how I felt, I would once more force a smile to my lips and say what my heart didnt really feel.
My heart and eyes cried when I was alone. I was finding it too difficult to live with someone to whom my heart was not inclined .
I forgot what the word joy meant in life!
I begged my Lord and cried, "Ya Allah! Please make me happy …". Allah blessed me with one great gift for my endurance – my son!
Soon after my marriage stepped into its fifth year, my stamina or you could say, the robots battery started dying. My plight had deteriorated to the point where my heart was no longer able to endure this misery I was going through. My health began to deteriorate. I was unable to pay the right attention to my son . I feared that I would fail in my duty as a mother.
As I sat there watching that pain in my friends eyes, I was jolted out of my slumber…I awoke and I found myself conscious of my suffering. For the first time the following question ran through my mind: “Why am I suffering so much –
I am a prisoner to society! - Why do these people say Islam has given so many rights to a woman and still expect me to be a prisoner?
We have heard people talking about womens right in Islam but what are they? Am I utilizing those rights? If so, then why am I suffering?
Is this what Islam wants from a woman?”
These questions made me ponder…I was a Muslim but I never took any pains to read or understand the Message of Islam.
I just listened to peoples words and took those words as Islam.
I read the Quran in Arabic but never did I bother to read or know the meaning.
I thought it was high time that I stopped asking myself these questions and read about the rights of women in Islam.
I began reading and my heart and my eyes opened! The more I learnt and studied Islam, the more I understood the reason for my plight.
The reason for my despair and agony was certainly not Islam, but myself as I chose to be a servant to the creation, instead of the Creator. Culture blinds peoples perspective towards the true Islam and because of Culture, many suffer.
Islam holds a woman in high esteem. It honors and respects her in all ways. She has all the privileges she needs in life.
1. The right and duty to obtain an education.
2. The right to have her own independent property.
3. The right to work to earn money if she needs it.
4. We have equality of reward for equal deeds.
5. The right to express her opinion and be heard.
6. The right to provisions from the husband for all her needs and more.
7. The right to obtain divorce from her husband.
8. An ability to have custody of their children in the event of a divorce.
9. To refuse any marriage that does not please them.
And many more…
When our Creator (The Most Merciful) has honored women with all the privileges of life, then why do we (Muslim women) have to give in to the societal expectations and lead a prisoners life?
Where is this going to lead us?
Misery in this world! And only God knows what our plight would be in the hereafter for choosing the society and culture before His words.
I acquired knowledge of my religion and discovered the beauty of Islam. I realized that I was more than what everyone said I was as a woman.
It was the right time to break the bars of the prison I was living in . Finally I made the choice...to be a servant of my Creator. God gave me the courage to assert my rights and seek Al Khul (divorce initiated by the woman). It was not easy, and the community was cold and stubborn to my assertion.
They kept telling me, "You are a woman, you cant speak your opinion like this and you should learn to be patient."
I protested, "I was patient for four years for your sake…But now I want to lead a life for Gods sake"
It was a JIHAD (struggle).
I had to bear a lot of ugly names and insinuations such as an adulteress, arrogant, etc.
I felt I was fighting all alone but I was not … Allah was with me. I was firm not to give up my struggle and finally I got my talaq (divorce pronounced by the husband)!
I felt a great burden was lifted from my heart after the talaq.
Of course life was and is not easy as one would have thought. I had to tolerate all kinds of comments, which any woman would not like to tolerate. People of my society said,
"You are not being Islamic and not acting like a woman.
You are selfish. You are just bothered about yourself and not the child ….No woman should be like you. No matter what when you have a child you should learn to be patient…!"
I am not bothered about these words rather I am more bothered about-facing my Creator … the struggle which I underwent gave me strength and courage.
When I heard words like " Every woman is leading a fake life and it is unlady-like to speak out your desires," I felt I should fight for the women in our society. I decided to put my pen to paper and voice my opinion about the evils in the society. I decided to share the little knowledge of Islam I had acquired with my brothers and sisters as I realized despair and agony is all because of ignorance. Only knowledge can cause awareness. If only people knew what Islam says and how it is a guide for the whole humanity, there wouldnt be so much distress in this world.
By facing and witnessing much oppression in the society I became a Writer in Islam!
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© Amatullah Abdullah 2005
Last update : 07-01-2006 23:49
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