I had heard so many good things about her, the eldest sister of the family. How she was so beautiful, so smart, so strong and a hijabi. I was actually quite nervous about meeting her now, all of a sudden without any warning. Shed be coming in an hour to meet us for lunch. I became more aware of what I was wearing, and breathed a sigh of relief, it was as conservative as a non-hijabi could get...
I was wearing a full length dress with a full sleeve cardigan. I had no idea what shed think of me. I held her on a pedestal, and I wanted to please her. She didnt even know me, and yet I knew so much about her. I always felt this tension around people who I thought were more religious than I. I didnt look like someone who felt so strongly about Islam, and that almost always made a difference in how hijabi sisters treated me. I didnt care much for the others, but she was someone who was important in my future family.
I knew Id wear hijab one day, but it had to feel like the right time. And I didnt want to be forced into it by anyone. I wanted it to be my own choice, by my understanding, so I could wear it with pride, so I could represent it with knowledge of why Muslims have this dress of modesty. I was with my two closest girlfriends, waiting to meet her. I realized she may turn out to be more uncomfortable than I, because I had my friends and she was coming into our world. So I decided I had to try my best to get over my anxiety and my shyness. She had to feel welcome. She had to feel at home.
We let her decide what we should eat, and so we went to the pizzeria on the corner. She wasnt very talkative, Im sure she felt out of place, we were younger than her by 3 or so years. We probably seemed like a bunch a kids to her. My friend ended up doing most of the talking. I couldnt even look at her for too long, I was always bad with eye contact. We ate and decided to walk off our filled stomaches. It was May, so the weather was pretty nice save the wind.
We were waiting to cross the street when I saw that her hijab was slipping off, she hadnt put it on securely, so shed have to fix it every few minutes. I told her it was coming off, but it felt like she didnt really care as she put it back in place. We walked into a BR, and looked at some things, my girlfriend brought over a sweater she liked. She looked at it and told us she didnt wear 3-4 sleeved shirts, and my friends exchanged a look that said, eek. Silent tension. Guilt. The respect I had for her as a Muslim sister was immense. But it felt like she was talking down to us every time she said something about herself. Maybe she was, and maybe she wasnt.
We left the store and did some more window shopping. I thought about hijab, and how it commands respect from others. How it is the symbol of our religion, of our beliefs the world over. I thought about how it made me think twice about what I was wearing, and even if the rest of my clothes were in accordance, my hair was still uncovered. And that made difference enough to me and the outside world. But I didnt like how I was treated by the sisters who wore hijab. I didnt feel invited, welcome, like a part of the sisterhood. And that was not my fault. It was their attitudes. I wanted to wear hijab, and be a welcoming person. Someone who didnt judge you, or snubb you because you werent a hijabi. I rather be an example and a friendly influence.
Later again her scarf was falling off, but instead of correcting her this time, I went into this boutique on University and bought a scarf and some pins. I put on the hijab, and handed her the extra pins. I didnt think it was right for me to correct her without being a hijabi myself. So that day I became one. Not just in the heart, but outside as well. I think I surprised them all with that, but I saw her take the pins and put her hijab into place. And she gave me this smile that simply said thank you and I returned the favor. I was thanking her for helping me in way to take that final step. And she was thanking me for the rebirth of the love for the hijab, that she had lost somewhere overtime.
Last update : 21-12-2003 12:52
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